


Barbed Wire

by teiidae



Series: Nasturtium AU [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, Nasturtium AU, i promise i will put my stuff in order please bear with me, i will just throw a few more thousand words on the pile, in which lauriam becomes marluxia, join my XigMar cult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 14:24:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17962247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teiidae/pseuds/teiidae
Summary: It was like drowning. When ripped away from everything he had ever known, a lone shell of a human being is conscripted by voices. One voice seems so familiar and chokes the life out of him. Xigbar is certain that this is the only way to save him. The only way to save him is to silence him.





	Barbed Wire

It was like drowning.

Years of stress, competition, and disappointment led to this vast and overwhelming darkness. It was unlike anything he had ever seen before. Even after the disappearance of his dearest sister and the toll of the bell. Even after he’d spent countless hours tracking down one dead lead after another. After every fight he had jumped into, he found himself floundering as he broke in half.

Unable to breathe, choked by the unending stream of emotions, he had lost himself in the void, and no matter how loudly he screamed, there was nothing to respond to him. His voice had left him long before his heart told him that enough was enough. He had fought against those forces long after his willpower had left him. Instinct beaten into him through years of repetition and guidance.

Of three things he was sure. First, he knew now without a shadow of a doubt that his sister, Strelitzia, was gone. Almost a shadow of a doubt. In the darkness, he had convinced himself that she was never going to come back. His logic had led him to this conclusion long ago, and even though the bud of her influence rooted itself deep within his heart, he had to face the facts. She was gone. And he was afraid that he would never see her again no matter how deeply he wished for the truth to be anything other than the reality.

The bud buried itself deeper into him.

Second, he knew that he had given up far more of himself to his goals than he had realized. Every lesson from his previous leader, Master Invi, told him to stay back. Observe. Wait until all the information had been gathered. Then act. He had failed to do that. He had gotten so wrapped up in his own worries that he had forgotten the very thing his Union stood for.

He was a failure.

Third.

There was no longer a third. All the horrific things he had envisioned himself doing to the person who did this to him had ripped him apart and scattered him. The invitation was small, subtle, and without verbiage. A cold tendril that snaked its way through the cracks in his persona. A parasite that he gave himself to because his hands were grasping for a throat. His heart was grasping for an answer.

A person to blame. An object to break. Anything to make that chasm in his being go away. He divided himself from his desires. Every drop of blood and broken bone, every light he would have consumed to get to the bottom of this void. He had lost himself in it. This is who he was. What he was.

He’d traveled through this void for a long time, black ichor conforming to his heart and creating something far more monstrous to mirror the evil that had spread through him so quickly. Thick and twisted plumes of ivy smeared together into many arms. Anything that they could grab was torn apart and consumed. His body departed and in its stead came a black box, bound shut with heavy chains and many shackles. The bud in his heart became the only thing that drove him forward. He was a monster.

The monster was him.

Though the darkness tore itself away from him and stumbled into another world, his husk crumpled, devoid of a heart, devoid of a life. He closed his eyes, hopefully for the last time, and he wept.

“Is this the one?”

He lifted his head up again, an eternity passed in the blink of an eye. Someone was speaking to him? About him.

“Hello?” he replied, confused. Dazed. “Strelitzia?”

Had he found her? In this hellscape?

“That’s him, Bossman. Looks a little different than last time I saw him though.”

That wasn’t Strelitzia.

He kept his eyes wide open, blue beacons glowing in the darkness because if he dared to close his eyes again, he would be alone. He would be alone for longer than before. A thousand years more. He hadn’t found Strelitzia, but he had found someone and that was almost as important.

He had to keep them close to him.

He drew himself up to what he assumed were his feet. He looked down and he saw only his bare toes, considerably paler than he had remembered. Human, but not really. Natural, but somehow equally unnatural. He looked to where he’d heard the voices. Were they like him? Were they struggling to keep themselves together?

Suddenly, his body folded, that gaping chasm revealing itself once more. Madness devoured him, swallowed his senses and licked the inside of his eyeballs with a broad warming sensation. What was this? Why was he in so much pain?

Strelitzia. She was gone. Taken from him. He clutched at his chest as the hollowness spread throughout his unreal body. What was this? _What was this?_ What madness had found him? Why did the voices not respond to him? What had he done?

What had he done?

He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down, kiddo. It’s not that serious.”

It was almost as if that hand breathed new life into him. All he could do was focus his eyes on the voice. That voice felt like a barbed wire, cutting him into pieces he didn’t know existed. Poisoned by lust and greed. It was the only thing keeping him sane in that moment. He wanted this.

No, he needed it.

“Did you break him?” The voice asked, bristling.

The barbed wire voice dug deeper into him. “No, he’s just shocked. Don’t you remember coming back to consciousness? That shit hurted.”

“I remember not clinging nearly as tightly to emotions I no longer had.”

He hadn’t even realized he had been crying. He touched his face and it felt real. Warm and wet. Salty and endless. The disapproval from the bristling voice weighed heavily on him. Did he know these voices?

The barbed wire voice retreated, muttering something that he couldn’t hear. No, come back! He needed that voice. He needed that voice to stave off the spiraling depths of his anguish. It was cutting and manipulative, but that barbed wire was all he had here. He would tie himself together with the razor tipped threads if he had to. He didn't need to be perfect. Just present.

“He’s not going to be useful if he can barely function.”

The barbed wire voice belonged to a man with a wicked looking smile and a gnarled scar across his cheek. One of his eyes was hidden behind an eyepatch, and his greying black hair was pulled into a ponytail. He went by Xigbar these days. His partner - the bristling voice - was Xemnas.

“Then _make_ him useful,” Xigbar said. The other eye was a menacing and glowering yellow. Like the eyes of the very creatures that had torn him apart. “You don’t really need my permission. You asked me to get you something with talent. This is something with talent.”

Xemnas humming in affirmation and revealed his physical form. Beautiful white hair. Bronze skin and chilling dark yellow eyes. An ancient soul brought into corporealness by sheer willpower and determination alone. He had the entire world under his control and he breathed a different type of life into this husk.

“Remember who you were,” Xemnas said. “You will not be able to reclaim what you’ve lost if you cannot maintain a physical form.”

“I’m right here.” No he wasn’t. His body had faded.

“This is a waste of time, Xigbar,” Xemnas breathed, indifferent.

“Now now, don’t get impatient,” Xigbar replied. “Sheesh, you worry too much. Remember who your right hand man is, yeah? I would never lead you astray.”

Xemnas sighed deeply. “So be it. I won’t wait much longer.”

“Of course,” Xigbar said. “Let me just work my magic. I know the guy better than you do.”

When Xemnas didn’t respond Xigbar turned his full attention on keeping his investment solid enough to strike a deal. It would take a little bit of coaxing for now, but if Xigbar could manage to do so without Xemnas catching wind, it would be a miracle. This was a vested interest. Not for nothing, but he felt like he knew this guy outside of the reconnaissance missions and he had approximately three minutes to figure out how or he’d have to leave it on the back burner for a very very long time.

There was something about the way the voice spoke that made the absence of a heart flutter a bit. So familiar.

“Hey, focus on me,” Xigbar whispered. “Hey. Do you remember your name?”

Deep breaths. “Lauriam…”

“Excellent,” Xigbar replied, the spark of realization flashing over his exposed eye. “Already off to a fantastic start. Seems that something’s got you down in the dumps.”

This would likely be the first, last, and only time Xigbar would ever be able to have this conversation. Immediately before he forced the collar of servitude on Lauriam for an undoubtedly long time. Right before he wound the leash around his hands. He was a terrible person.

Perhaps in a different life, this could have been avoided.

“I’m in pain,” Lauriam whispered back. “I did something horrible. Unforgivable. I gave into the very forces I was sworn to defend against. I’m a terrible leader. I let Strelitzia down. I let my whole Union down.” He was snowballing. Spiraling. Catastrophizing.

“It happens.” Xigbar reached out to where Lauriam’s voice struggled to make itself known. His hand passed through darkness. “But, I think I can help you. Or rather, we…”

He shot a look back at Xemnas, who remained completely silent, though his eyes betrayed his veil of indifference. He was absolutely enthralled by what he was seeing. Keenly interested in what Xigbar was doing. It wasn’t every day that Xigbar handled something as delicately as this. Something was off about the way he moved, the way he spoke. Like he was speaking to a friend, or at the very least, someone he had cared deeply for.

Which seemed odd considering Xemnas had known Xigbar’s previous self. And Xigbar’s previous self had no such connections.

Xigbar blinked slowly and made a half nodding gesture, but he also betrayed his own veil of indifference. Xigbar was totally smitten and Xemnas could see right through him. On one hand, Xigbar didn’t really care all too much what Xemnas thought about his behavior, but on the other, he really did need to keep up appearances. He’d given himself up for a purpose bigger than himself for the time being.

He’d better be careful for now.

“We can help you,” Xigbar continued. “You suffered quite the loss, Lauriam. Strelitzia. Who is she?”

The darkness shuddered around Xigbar’s hand and he quickly withdrew it. It drew in closer and closer until it began to take shape. A simple black body standing in place and shivering with the effort to become physical. It clothed itself in white rubbery flesh and before it spoke, a zipper opened wide into a decidedly simple mouth.

“My sister.”

Xigbar blinked. At least Lauriam was coming back into a tangible form. A weak form, but he was struggling with his memories. Memories of this Strelitzia were holding him back. It was obvious that if he couldn’t let her go, then he would never make it. Xigbar hadn’t remembered seeing a Strelitzia anywhere in his observations, Lauriam had been looking for her, but Xigbar hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out what became of that.

He’d seen Lauriam’s ability to lead and had seen most of his ability to gather information and process it. All without any of the other Union leaders being able to read his intentions. They hadn’t even really understood what he was looking for or how important it was to him. The only thing Xigbar _hadn’t_ seen was Lauriam summon a Keyblade. But it seemed like all the other Union Leaders were able to use them. That was enough of an incentive for Xigbar to bring it to Xemnas’s attention. It was enough of an incentive to siphon the darkness where it needed to be.

Lauriam was smart. Too smart to be wasting his time with people who wouldn’t appreciate his efforts. Xigbar was certain that, in the end, Lauriam would be fine. Banged up and damaged a bit, but fine.

“Can you bring her back?” Lauriam asked earnestly.

Xigbar took a deep breath. “Not in the way you’re probably thinking. I can, however, make it stop.”

“The pain.”

“Poof, gone, forever if you want,” Xigbar said. “However long it takes. All you have to do is join us. You can reclaim your heart, you can erase that pain. Fill it with purpose.” He paused for a long time as Lauriam’s husk began to soften and dissipate. “Pull yourself together or you will never lay your eyes on Strelitzia again in any form.”

Lauriam’s body softened more and Xigbar grasped at him in a desperate attempt to get him to stabilize. No, he couldn’t let him go. He turned to Xemnas, eye blank, face neutral.

“Take the memories of his past life away,” Xigbar said.

Xemnas was amused by this. He almost had to cover his mouth as he watched this unfold before him. “And why should I do that? He cannot keep himself together over something as trivial as a single family member. What use would he have?”

Xigbar had to pause, wracking his brain. That Keyblade tidbit was supposed to be his secret. He had wanted to see what Lauriam was truly made of, but he couldn’t fault him entirely for having someone he cared for. Everybody had at least one of those. For those who used the Keyblade’s power, it often was the one thing that fueled them.

“This broken mess of a former human was a Union leader,” Xigbar replied, his voice just barely able to stay level. “Not sure if you read my report. Maybe I forgot to put it in. Oopsie.”

Xemnas’s eyes went wide. “You’re sure?”

“As I possibly can be,” Xigbar said. “You know how Keyblade wielders can be, Bossman. Emotional. Unpredictable. Stands to reason that he’s having a hard time because not everybody gets the luxury of forgetting who they are before they’re torn apart.”

Xemnas’s eyebrows twitched at Xigbar’s direct challenge.

“Consider it. You take his memories - I know you can - make him yours. Might have to work on the Keyblade part again, but hey, you’ll have yourself a shiny new tool at your disposal that can already use that power. And I can get you another one. Same deal. Take some memories away and they become much more compliant.”

Xemnas remained quiet for a long time. He was processing his options. He hadn’t exactly been in a rush to gather members for the Organization before, and as his numbers were almost full, he wouldn’t exactly be at a disadvantage if he passed on a husk that couldn’t do the bare minimum to stay intact. Xigbar’s point was moot if he’d just fade away over the shadow of a memory.

Xigbar returned his attention to Lauriam’s fading body. He very carefully regained eye contact with him, yellow eye to dimming blue, and he very carefully mouthed something. Lauriam, who’d almost allowed himself to be swarmed by his anguish was startled by the gesture. He’d been paying attention, and Xigbar’s words couldn’t have been more clear. They spoke to his soul. The part of his soul that didn’t exist anymore, but the result was the same.

In an instant, Lauriam opened his mouth to speak but the barbed wire of Xigbar’s presence cut him off before he could utter a word. He had to have imagined that feeling. He had to have imagined those words.

An inkling of his humanity resurfaced and he kept his mouth decidedly shut as his body refocused on staying together. He had a purpose already. The fact that he had failed was irrelevant if he could somehow put things right. That anguish lanced back into him as he turned every ounce of energy into staying who he was. Lauriam. Union leader. Warrior of Light.

Tarnished, sure, but still who he was.

The rubbery husk shed itself. Xigbar kept a close eye as Lauriam, human as he was in his previous life, emerged from the shed skin, stark naked.

Xemnas hummed. “Very well.”

He approached Lauriam, hand outstretched. Lauriam didn’t move, but in an instant, every aspect of his memories was torn from him. His name, his previous purpose, his identity. All robbed from him in the time between being born anew, and recognizing Xemnas’s advances. A blank slate with just enough ghostly memories to understand that he was angry, cold, and distant.

The light of his previous life vanished, evaporated into the darkness and Xigbar internally balked as the cold eyes of a heartless destroyer was born right in front of him. Xemnas wasted no time, his lips curling into a smile as a new named crossed his mind.

“Perhaps you are right, my friend,” Xemnas said as a litany of letters flowed from his fingertips. They floated in place as a final letter, the binding seal, joined them silently. “This one is promising. I shall call him Marluxia. That sounds pleasant enough.”

Xigbar shrugged. “I got an eye for this sort of thing, Xemnas.”

“You said there was another,” Xemnas replied. He sounded dismissive. Uninterested and cold. He hadn't even thanked Xigbar - something Xigbar would be sure to bring up later when they had privacy and he could get away with a more scathing tone. “Bring them to me.”

“Of course.”

“As for you,” Xemnas continued, finally looking to Marluxia with hunger in his eyes. “Your official introduction will come in time. My name is Xemnas. Lord Xemnas, and I am the leader of your new home, Organization XIII. I have very high expectations of you, Marluxia. Should you fail to reach those expectations, you will reclaim those lost parts of yourself and your anguish will see no end. Xigbar will be your mentor and will oversee the bulk of your training for the time being. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Marluxia said, kneeling in servitude. He wasn't sure what had compelled him to perform such an action, but he disliked it intensely. He made direct eye contact with his leader, thinking instantly that he was face to face with an enemy. “Lord Xemnas.”

“Do keep in mind,” Xemnas added. “I do not show mercy to traitors.”

Marluxia swallowed, his mouth dried as he betrayed his previous life's purpose. “Yes...Lord Xemnas.”

“Then let us not waste any more time.”

The three of them were enveloped in darkness and Marluxia felt a second pair of shackles click into place.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 31 of Kingdom Hearts 3:
> 
> I have lost my whole mind multiple times. There is a fabled document that I have yet to read. Nothing makes sense anymore but still my mind expands. My heart, soul, and body are ready for more Kingdom Hearts.
> 
> My third eye is open. I cannot be contained.


End file.
